Austria, if you're reading this, please give me a visa

For US citizens, you're allowed a 90-day tourist visa in Austria. My internship will end up lasting about a hundred some days - which requires me to get a work visa. A friend, however, advised me to "figure out all that visa stuff when you get there - no big deal." I will be filing this piece of advice alongside, "Those skinny jeans will look great on you!" in the total bullshit category.

What follows is a brief overview of my attempt to get a work visa:

1. I call the Austrian magistrate to figure out how to get a visa
2. The Austrian magistrate gives me the number to the US embassy in Vienna (?)
3. I call the US embassy
4. US embassy receptionist laughs, provides number to the Austrian mission to the UN (?)
5. I call the Austrian mission to the UN; the person to whom I should speak is on holiday (go figure)
6. I call the Austrian mission to the UN again; the receptionist tells me to visit the magistrate in person
7. I go to the magistrate's office, get a form in German that may or may not be for getting a visa
8. The clerk tells me that to process the form, I need to find who owns my building and have them sign off that I live there
9. I leave the magistrate's office, throw cell phone on the ground in frustration
10. Phone breaks

At this point, I'm not above groveling/crying/marrying an Austrian.

What does Kanye have to do with the CZR?

Well, he filmed the video for "Diamonds from Sierra Leone" in Prague, for one thing. Surprising, yes?

That's just one of the many fun facts I learned about Prague during my weekend trip there. Prague is quite the hot spot in Europe - reminiscent of a giant dollhouse with some junkies and obnoxious British tourists thrown in for good measure. When it comes to central Europe, Prague has everything you need - beautiful architecture like Vienna (without the stuffiness) and some remaining Communist-era vibes like Budapest (but not nearly as grungy). Even better, the Czech Republic is inexplicably cheap. Like, 80 cents a beer cheap.

And the highlights?

1. Franz Kafka is everywhere

I went through a stage in high school where I got really into The Metamorphosis so all the Kafka paraphanalia brought back some good (and by "good" I mean "horribly awkward") memories.

2. Folk dancing festival!

I stumbled upon an international folk dancing festival on my first day walking around Prague. Who doesn't love folk dancing? And not to get all "Cultural Change Institute" on you, but some folk dances schooled the others. The Greeks and Croatians? Awesome. But dance troupes from the Baltic states? Nyet.

3. Jewish Quarter

Beautiful, well-preserved, and home of a legit bagel shop.

4. Museum of Communism

The poster says (shows?) it all.

I could have told you that

"Not Funny: We Seldom Laugh."

This is the title of the lead story in today's Heute, the Austrian newspaper. From my "field research" in Vienna this summer, I've made the same observation: Austrians are immune to humor. According to the story, only 40% of Austrians laugh once a day. Have they not heard of YouTube?

Ironically, the only time I've heard hearty, genuine laughter from Austrians is when I saw Brüno in a Viennese theater. If you're reading this blog from rural Sierra Leone (Lisa Inks!) and haven't heard of the movie, just imagine the most vulgar caricature of a gay man, multiply it by 10, then add in a faux-Austrian accent and some occassional references to the Third Reich. Then you get Brüno. That's about it in terms of plot. I can't believe this is what it took to get Austrians to let loose.

Unsolved mystery of the summer

How do Austrian women stay so thin when all they eat is bread? It's the greatest injustice of all.

Above is a picture of Anker, Austria's ubiquitous national bakery chain and the bane of my existence.

Busted!

Last Friday, I turned in a report to my boss that I was fairly proud of - many hours were spent researching why Pakistan has registered reservations (protests, in other words) to two important anti-terror conventions, the International Convention on the Suppression of Terrorist Bombings and the Convention on the Physical Protection of Nuclear Material. OK, so it wasn't an earth-shattering report, but I thought it was interesting. I even included an analysis section on why Pakistan doesn't support the terrorist bombings convention. I argued that because the country's military has links to terrorist organizations, any acts they engage in could fall under the convention and Pakistan would be forced, under international law, to prosecute those parties involved.

Whoops! I guess I took that analysis section a little too far for the UN. Upon receiving said report, my boss gave a gentle scolding. If I remember correctly, I think his words were, "If anyone from the Pakistan ever saw this, our entire unit would get fired." Oops.

But one of the lead stories in the NY Times today discusses the relationship between Lakshar-e-Taiba and the Pakistani government. So even if my analytic skills aren't quite what the UN is looking for, at least the NYT is backing me up.

Internship?

To clarify: yes, I have one. Remember that this is Europe and it's July, so all the big-wigs are on holiday, save for some consultants and all the interns. Work has been slow, thus there's very little to report.

As an overview, I'm assisting on a project that will help streamline counter-terrorism activities within the UN, since nearly every UN agency/office has some anti-terror component. The coordinating body, the Counter-Terrorism Implementation Task Force, is run by my unit (the Terrorism Prevention Branch, or "TPB" on the street). I'm helping to create an online database that UN staffers can use to locate counter-terrorism tools (like specific legislation or UN projects) available in every Member State. I'm also working with another supervisor to build a program that will better showcase TPB's work to donor countries. This involves teaching myself Flash, an animation program, for hours a day.

Notice that both of the projects on which I'm working involve technology. Ironic, because technology is my kryptonite - I usually break everything I own that requires electricity. In fact, I'm frightened by most machines. I don't even use dishwashers or toaster ovens because I can't figure out how to work them. Yet here I am, programming things for an international organization. I'm proof that you can do anything if you put your mind to it, although the results might be mediocre. A modern-day Horatio Alger story? Definitely.

Greece: F-ing hot, literally and figuratively

Buying those 60 euro skyeurope.com tickets to Athens was the best decision I've made in months. Here are the highlights, summarized:

Beaches: Self-explanatory.


Old things: Athens is full of them. Usually, I'm easily annoyed by touristy things but Athens' temples, monuments, and other ruins are definitely worth seeing... even in 100 degree weather, surrounded by thousands of screaming children and American sorority girls wearing their letters in a lame attempt to demonstrate that they're down with the Greek alphabet. And yes, I'm including the 65 year-old man who gave me his number in the "awesome ancient stuff of Athens" category.

















Anarchists: Athens' anarchist neighborhood was the site of major riots last winter (see commemorative graffiti below) and the area continues to attract disaffected youth. In an effort to keep anarchists and other troublemakers under control, Athens has placed armed guards on every street leading into the neighborhood.


Nightlife: The temperature in Athens is ridiculously hot, which makes doing anything in the day a recipe for sweaty disaster. As soon as the sun sets, however, the temperature drops from blistering to sweltering. And it's only then (say, around 12:00) that Athens really starts to get going. I don't know at what point in the night I took the picture below, but I can guess by the blurriness that I was already deep into Athens nightlife (read: Greek beer). Opa!


The Evil Eye/Greek Hipsters: Greeks believe in the evil eye - basically, when someone directs too much energy at you, your body just gives up. You get exhausted, even ill. And what's the first sign that you've got the evil eye on ya? That's right - you yawn. In order to protect themselves from the bad energy you're now spreading, people around you need to make the sign of the cross twice and mumble something like "ptoo, ptoo." I learned this when, at 5:00 in the morning, I yawned in a bar. Bad move. The server saw me and did the aforementioned anti-evil eye thing. I was mystified: "Did that woman just put a hex on me or am I drunk? Or both?" Fortunately, the adorable Greek hipster standing next to me explained the whole evil eye business and assured me that my yawn had cleansed my negative energy. I was neither cursed nor smashed. Thank you, Greek hipster.

CZR!

This past weekend, some UN friends and I rented a car and drove to Český Krumlov, a town in the Czech Republic. Rather than take the train to get there, we opted to do it North American-style and make a road trip out of it. While the drive was supposed to take 2 and a half hours, our journey was probably closer to 6. A lot of this can be blamed on me. As I've said before, I can't be trusted with navigation. However, Google maps should share some of the responsibility.

Český Krumlov, if you've never heard of it, is a UNESCO World Heritage site along the Vltava River. The town provided another opportunity to get my castle fix, as well as do something outdoorsy. This included going on what the receptionist at our hostel called "a gentle walk," which turned out to be a 11.5 km hike straight up a mountain. And I was wearing flip-flops. The painful hike was worth it, however, as we got to "kick bike" all the way down. A kick bike is kind of like a suped-up scooter that goes uncontrollably fast. I really want one of my own.

On Sunday, we went rafting. The river was pretty calm apart from one wicked drop-off.

Note: There were something like two dozen Australians with us on the rafting trip. In fact, Český Krumlov was crawling with Australians. All of them had been backpacking for months and, from the description of their travels, it sounded as though they were taking one giant pub crawl across Europe.

Living the Dream

My first month in Vienna, I lived in the country. Technically, my address was in Vienna but it was on the farthest edge of Vienna possible. So far, in fact, that you had to pass two vineyards to get to my house. Seriously.

My roommate Martin and I found a great apartment located in an area that 's a little less retirement and a little more mid-twenties. We now live in Vienna's 5th district, right near Naschmarkt, which is Vienna's huge open-air market. We share the place with some art students from Germany who are extremely hip. And the best part? I live in the heart of Vienna's gay neighborhood (my room is directly over a gay bar!). It's all I've ever wanted in life.

Above is a picture of my new 'hood. Because I'm an atrocious photographer, you won't be able to make out much, but trust me on this: it's awesome.

USA! USA!

When I was a kid, my dad always gave me shit for starting things and never finishing them. Fortunately for me, I don't think he's mastered the art of surfing the interwebs yet, so there's no way he could have found my semi-abandonded blog over the past couple of weeks to prove his point. Gotcha!

After temporarily breaking my computer (it miraculously turned on after a week) and then traveling without access to the Internet, I'm finally back in blogging action. So what have you missed? Mmm... let's start with the fun stuff...

As one of just a few UN interns from the U.S., I took on the responsibility of showing my international colleagues some good ol' American hospitality on July 4th. And by that I mean I had a party. I was kind of stuck for "American" decorations, so I limited myself to some print-outs of Obama, a homemade shrine to Dr. Pepper, and a bowl full of gummy hamburgers. Because I couldn't locate any shitty American beer, as is required for any good July 4th party, I just bought a lot of Austrian beer and then taped "FREEDOM BEER" labels on them. Yes, it was a great moment for the U.S.

Confession

The name "Department of Homeland Security" sounds lame. And sort of Animal Farm-esque. And now someone agrees with me.

More than just a superficial name change, the author advocates broadening the scope of DHS to include anything that could be related to domestic security, from improving infastructure to researching alternative energy sources. And while the projects/activities that fall under the umbrella of a revamped DHS, the department's overall mission would remain unchanged: DHS would still be responsible for preventing terrorist attacks and responding to natural disasters. Restructing DHS also seems like a move in the right direction as it would create a more proactive department better able to manage threats to national security.

Mighty Beaver!

Yesterday was Canada Day.** I can count on one hand the number of Canadians I've met visiting the U.S. All of those said Canadians were related to me. So it came as a shock when I arrived at the UN-Vienna to find out that everyone here is Canadian. Everyone.

In the spirit of North American solidarity, I celebrated Canada Day yesterday with a group of charming, hockey-loving, poutine-eating Canadians. Although we lacked fireworks and Canadian beer, we did have a Canadian flag to parade around the bar. We also ate some Mexican food so as not to forget about our south-of-the-border friends.

**Even though I grew up an hour and a half from the border, I had no idea there was such a thing as "Canada Day." Shameful, really. For 26 years, I've missed out on a holiday devoted to celebrating hockey, Molson Ice, Shania, and socialized health care.

But things are going to change from now on. Canada Day falls on July 1st, just a mere three days before Independence Day. Why not create a mandatory long weekend to celebrate the fact that our two countries share the longest common border in the world?